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[luga] General Motors Helpline



Hi LINUX-Friends!

Ich habe von einem Kollegen eine Mail bekommen die ich so koestlich
finde, dass ich sie einfach weitergeben muss. Auch auf die Gefahr hin,
dass sie manche bereits kennen.
Ausserdem bin ich der Meinung, dass bei allem gebotenen Ernst fuer die
Sache LINUX ;-) der Spass nicht zu kurz kommen darf.

m.f.G. Fritz

------------------------------------------------------------------
What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't
know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers. But imagine if they did...

###############

HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing
            happened!"

HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
            battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
            to know all of these technical terms just to use
            my car?"

###############

HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
            anywhere!"

HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:  "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
           needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the
           needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER:  "Followed  by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When
           you sit behind  the steering wheel, that's the
           panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round
           thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
           and purchase  some more gasoline. You can install
           it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
           you.

CUSTOMER:  "What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you tell me
           that I have to keep buying more components? I want
           a car that comes with everything built in!"

##############

HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator
            pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
            while, and then it crashed - and now it won't even
            start up!"

HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if
           you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual
           of yours. It said to make the car go to put the
           transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal.
           That's exactly what I did - now the damn thing's
           crashed."

HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before
           operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER:  "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING
           the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't
           crash?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on
           page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read
           this manual you know."

HELPLINE:  "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about
           it?"
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions
           that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

########################

HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your
           car because it has automatic transmission, cruise
           control, power steering, power brakes, and power
           door locks." "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"



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September 2010