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shift-Key FAQ

Forwarded message:
> From jokes-digest-owner@csv.warwick.ac.uk Sun Aug 11 08:18:44 MES 1996
> Date: Sun, 11 Aug 1996 05:46:28 +0100 (BST)
> Message-Id: <9078.199608110446@thistle.csv.warwick.ac.uk>
> Subject: shift.txt
> Sender: jokes-digest-owner@csv.warwick.ac.uk
> Precedence: bulk
> From: esuvy@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Peter Bishop)
> Sender: esuvy@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Peter Bishop)
> Reply-To: esuvy@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Peter Bishop)
> Apparently-To: <michael@wsrcom.wsr.ac.at>
> [Let me know if you think you are missing out on any mails. Addresses that
> bounce are automatically dropped from the list, so that could be a reason
> for not getting any jokes suddenly, if the list terminated I will say so.]
> [Also I have a new list "clearout", suitable for anyone who likes to 
> receive lots of jokes, this is once a week too, around 10+ issues, very
> suitable for people who run mailing lists or just like lots of jokes. Mail
> esuvy@csv.warwick.ac.uk with "subscribe clearout" as the subject]
>          \\//
> ~~~o00o~(,,)~o00o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>          \__/
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>                 Unleash the Power of Shift!
>               The Shift Key FAQ - Version 1.1
>              by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them.  Does that mean the
>    *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just
>    little signs to point them out?
> A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy.  The little arrows mean "up", as
>    in "look up at the screen".  Your keyboard is telling you to
>    learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
> Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
> A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen.  You should
>    not use this feature, however, because these letters are also
>    brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be
>    particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at
>    the time.  You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key
>    Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95.  Or you might not,
>    it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
> Q. My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type
>    capital letters and punctuation?
> A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
>    advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use
>    of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to
>    depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing
>    punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower
>    case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
> A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
>    keyboard frequently?  If so, you may want to clean it off for
>    more reliable operation.  First, disconnect your keyboard by
>    gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. 
>    Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly
>    with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel
>    wool.  Finally, you need to dry the keyboard.  Either dry it to
>    touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not
>    less than 60 minutes.  Be sure to clean the lint screen when you
>    are finished.
> Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there
>    are two keys labelled "hif"?
> A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and
>    washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
> Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
> A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be
>    labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O .  Press
>    this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly
>    Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n
>    stuff on it.
> Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want
>    big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
> A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to
>    activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! 
>    Check to see whether your computer is equipped with
>    speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very
>    clearly and slowly into its speaker.  Then watch the keyboard
>    closely to see if the Shift key moves down.  Note that you may
>    have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer
>    to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
> Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
> A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating
>    between the two.  Keep track of your usage of each key so that
>    you press them in equal amounts.  Your keyboard may be equipped
>    with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally
>    marks in two columns for each time you shift.  Remember, it's
>    better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift
>    key.
> Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
> A. They aren't.  This is simply an optical illusion.  Just as
>    the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon,
>    your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other
>    keys.  To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your
>    keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
>    distance of 200 yards.  Sure enough, the keys all look the same
>    size!
> Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many
>    times, will my computer explode?
> A. No.  Well, generally no.  Not unless you are using a NEC
>    laptop.  Or vt100 terminal emulation.  But even then, hardly
>    ever.  Really, don't worry about it.  Forget I mentioned it. 
>    Just type softly.  Move along, next question.
> Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work.
>    What's wrong?
> A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your
>    keyboard, the problem may be YOU?  Perhaps God Himself has
>    suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that
>    you have strayed from the path of righteousness.  Use this as an
>    opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead
>    with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your
>    choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your
>    relationship with the Almighty.
>          Thanks to: Anthony Skaff for this contribution
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   "The Internet FunnyBone" is not a "LISTSERVE" but a large mailing
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>    please send a message to the e-mail
>     address on the right that includes            - Greg -
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>               please forward it to me."     (NeXT Mail is accepted)
>                           Thanks  -  Enjoy!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> -- 
> Peter Bishop. [esuvy@csv.warwick.ac.uk]
> To join my mew mailing list:
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>   SUNDAY 11 AUGUST 1996 

                        Michael P. Demelbauer
          WSR (Wirtschafts- und Sozialwissenschaftliches Rechenzentrum)	
			LUGA (Linux User Group Austria)
                 It's better to be a warrior in a garden,
			than a gardener in a war.

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